I wouldn’t say I fell off the wagon, exactly, but vacation set me on a path and that path is called “struggle.”
I’m not on the wagon, I’m on the struggle bus.
It happens.
Y’all know I don’t get the kind of support at home that I want. It makes it harder. It does not make it impossible, as the first 50 pounds of weight loss can attest. During our vacation, I wanted to be more restrained with our dining out than we were, but my husband wanted to go out to eat for every meal (and I do mean every meal/snack/craving he had) the entire time. We didn’t, of course, because we couldn’t afford it if we wanted to, but a relentless pressure like that on someone vulnerable like myself was darn hard to resist. Hubby isn’t interested in the money part or the health part of that scenario and is very much in the “every man for himself” camp. I mean, he can’t afford camp, either, but that’s beside the point.
I’m not complaining, I’m explaining.
Anyhoo, I did okay on vacation. I definitely wasn’t “dieting”, but I also wasn’t binging every day all day. So I have that going for me. But the eating pattern on vacation has sort of become a default for me at home. It’s like I can’t shake it. I’m not overindulging like the good old days, but I’m not going to lose weight this way either. Plus,there are some sucky bits to where I’m at right now. My arm flaps aren’t exactly a joy. They have deflated a bit and are extra saggy. They actually flop onto the very sensitive touch screen on my washer and dryer when I’m doing stuff (I’m short) and changes my settings. Let’s say that again – my arm flaps change the settings on my washer and dryer. Hoo boy. If it didn’t cost a bazillion dollars, I’d have them trimmed in the interim.
I don’t want this, though. I am not in a place where stopping is a good decision. I mean, I may stop before I hit “ideal weight”, but not while still super morbidly obese.
So.
I’m going to have to tighten up the ship a bit. I’m trying to shorten my eating window to 4-6 hours. I’m trying to slow down when eating/how much. I’m trying to be more active. Not exercise, necessarily, but like yard work type activity. I hate yard work, but we have a lot to do and we don’t want to pay for it. Usually I try to rope hubby in and do it together, but that’s more hassle than it’s worth, so I’m taking 30 minutes to an hour a day to tackle some stuff. It might help the yard and possibly myself. The good news is, an hour in the yard doesn’t render me worthless and in pain for the rest of the day, so that is most definitely a win. I’m 309 pounds, but I can work in the yard for an hour!
I am not showing my calorie or fasting log today, but I can tell you that I’m back at 309 pounds! So, vacation is now undone and I can pick up where I left off.
I also wanted to update you on one other thing…
So you know how I was going on vacation and would see my mother? Yeah, she didn’t notice my weight loss. Or, at least, didn’t mention it. There is a part of me that is disappointed in her for her obliviousness, but that’s nothing new with her. And don’t think for a second that her obliviousness is lack of interest – she is vain. My weight is a problem for her and always has been, especially once I hit morbid obesity. No, her obliviousness is that it’s not like I’m thin yet, and she is pretty self-focused. In the end, the major part of me is glad it didn’t come up.
Also, other people are starting to notice. Not, however, my best friend or my husband. Though they have noticed – I’ve seen it in their eyes – they haven’t remarked. Honestly, it’s so freaking weird.
Okay, so I’ve been remiss, but we went on vacation for a week and I swear I spent a week getting ready for that. Then I spent a couple days putting our life back together.
We went out to eat a LOT. I mean a lot a lot, given how I’ve been eating in recent weeks, so I definitely gained weight. I imagine a lot of it was just excess waste… because I weighed in at 314 upon arrival at home, then 312 the next day, so…
All I can tell you is I’m back on track and I’ll keep working my little plan now that I’m home.
Okay, so I started tracking my fasts again last night. I need that accountability. I continue to log everything I eat and watch my calories. I went over (by a few, not much) twice last week, but I still lost a pound. I am 309 pounds even today.
Meanwhile, I’ve been working on my face, chin, & jowls. I have plenty of plastic surgery in my future, I hope, to deal with loose skin. My face will have to take back seat to my back seat. So I’m using this time to try to make improvements on my own, at home, using the tools I can afford.
Do you see a difference in these photos? I will give you dates & weights with each so you can be the judge:
I was going to do a normal status update, but I’ve hit a milestone, so here we go.
I’ve lost 50 pounds from my peak! I weigh 310 pounds.
Here are things that weigh 50 pounds for frame of reference:
An average 7 year old child.
I could not actually pick up most of these items, but apparently if you distribute the weight and strap it to my body, I can walk around that way for years on end.
I never did weigh myself last week, but I did this week!
I’m still not tracking my fasts quite as diligently as I have in the past, but I do still try not to eat until after 1pm and I try to quit eating after dinner.
I came in under my recommended calories for the week. It’s probably pretty accurate. We did go out to eat a couple of times, but I simply didn’t eat that much when we did.
I weighed in at 311.4 pounds this morning. That is 48.6 pounds lost!
So, I realize that the first pictures that I posted of myself were not entirely accurate! I actually weighed only about 345 when those first dirty-mirror-shots were taken. I had been using my meal service for about 3 months and had lost about 15 pounds from my peak weight. So my before and after shots reflect about 30 pounds lost and that’s part of why it’s so hard to see a change in me.
I know I’m looking for proof of a drop in a bucket at in this point, but I don’t want anyone who is my stats thinking that 45 pounds isn’t visible. It is. I promise. I’m not thin or anything, but you can see a change.
Anyway, I’m feeling pretty good about my progress, but have gotten a touch sloppy in the past two or three weeks. I want to tighten things back up. And I have to start thinking about exercise. I really don’t want to, but our community pool isn’t working out great – too unpredictably crowded, too much rain – so I’m not getting as much swim time as I had hoped. What’s a lazy girl to do?
But I have updated pictures for you to see if we can see 46 pounds lost!
April 8, 2019
August 13, 2019
April 8, 2019
August 13, 2019
The shirt is the same brand/size as the original and is the same shirt in a different pattern. I bought like 6 of that shirt a couple years ago, because they are so comfy.
It’s not glaringly obvious, but I guess if you look closely, you can see it, especially in the fit of the clothes. The pants have had the legs tied tighter since the first photo and they are starting to sag dangerously at the waste. I give them 20 more pounds before they don’t stay up on their own anymore. At which point, I will likely retire them to the firepit. Although, they are so synthetic, they may be toxic to burn…
Also, I have decided to post more photos of myself. Maybe not my full face, just yet, but I’m trying to capture more images so I can track my journey better and I’d like you to see me in a bra with actual support and my chin situation and possibly some grosser situations (although it will all remain PG, to the best of my abilities.)
Anyway, it may not look a whole lot different, but it feels quite a bit different!
Also, I have taken a break from tracking my fasts. I can’t seem to get back in the habit. Of tracking. I still do it, though I can’t tell you if I’m making 16 hours or 18 hours, but I’m still adhering to my general eating window of 1pm – 8pm(ish).
I weighed in at 313.6 this morning. That is 46.4 pounds lost!
So there you go. I certainly hope that “slow and steady wins the race” is a true aphorism!
I planted all of these in one session, a thing I could not have done in February. It would have killed my back and I’d have left a huge mess behind because the task + cleanup would have been too much for me. But I got this done and it didn’t even ruin my day. Also, we are not blocking our front door – that’s the FAKE front door (we have two? it’s super weird). We got tired of every service person and delivery person going to the fake front door so I thought of trying this. So far it’s working. Also, I don’t do anything that doesn’t serve a bigger purpose. These are pretty + functional. LOL) I’m a big-time plant-killer, though, so pray for these guys that they live long, thriving lives under my inept care. Also, please note my dollar-store plant chachkes. I painted the bird one because I didn’t like the colors it came in.
Today’s post:
Listen, there is a problem in my household with support. For many reasons, I do not receive much of it. We can get into all those reasons at another time, but for now I will just say the following:
I have lost 45 pounds so far. I have about 155ish to go. Although I have a lot left to lose, 45 pounds is not nothing. You can see it. I hasn’t exactly made me svelte, but I’m not as big either. Only one person in my life, and let’s say I’ve been around maybe 20 or 30 who would be in a position to notice, has said anything – my gay-guy work-friend who I see about once every two weeks (as told in an earlier post). My husband, who can definitely see it by now, has not said a single word about it, for or against. He does, very occasionally, ask me how many “points” I have left for the day when suggesting a treat.
K, I’m not doing WW. I don’t have POINTS. But he won’t address the subject directly by saying “calories” even though he knows that I’m counting them and that they factor into my eating choices. I’m not denigrating him – I am just saying. The person I live with has not SAID A SINGLE WORD ABOUT MY WEIGHT LOSS, for good or for bad. And I would guess that he never will until it becomes absolutely unavoidable (maybe in the 100 pounds lost range?).
I would further guess that he won’t necessarily be happy about it. (I don’t dare go into this too much right now.)
(And also, how dated is he? I know he’s referring to points because his mother did WW at some point in the 1980s and that’s where his knowledge on the subject ended, but LOL. Freaking points.)
My closest friend hasn’t said a word, either, and she surely must be able to see it by now.
My sister asks me how I’m doing with it pretty often, but to be clear, I haven’t laid eyes on her in 2 years and it’s strictly via correspondence (don’t ask, I really can’t get into it for reasons), so I imagine she would say something in person, but at least she cares enough to ask.
I haven’t told my mother. I’ll see her in September most likely and we’ll see what she says. That’s a prickly pear, though, and if I had my ‘drothers, I’d say it’s not something she and I should discuss in much detail. Her husband is likely to say something as well, and it will be tactless and probably said too loud.
So. The point is, I am very much going it alone. I do not have a support system. I am honestly not even sure what one is. Maybe I do have one??? It feels like I’m very alone in this. And that’s okay with me, truly, because I AM alone in this. No one can make me eat or not eat as long as I am a free person with enough money to feed myself. No one can make me care or not care about myself. That said, if YOU are also going it alone or with a huge support network or just one or two advocates or whatever, I want you to know – I am proud of you! You lost a pound? GOOD FOR YOU! You have 300 to go? 400 to go? 100 to go? 25 to go? YOU GOT THIS!
We can do this.
At 45 pounds lost, I can tell you things are starting to be different. When I put on clothes, they don’t snag or hug areas I wish they didn’t. I mean, yeah, all my clothes are really big, but I’ve bought a couple of one-size-down clothes and they fit, too. I can bust out one more chore with much more ease now. I fit in the drivers’ seat of the car much better now. Seat belts are easier. My back hurts less. My feet, knees, and ankles still suck, but I AM STILL OVER 300 POUNDS SO LIKE COME ON GIVE THEM A BREAK THEY ARE TRYING REALLY HARD! Even if I stopped here, I wouldn’t be disappointed in myself, because I’ve already improved things significantly.
I feel like the new plants, pictured above. Optimistic.
That said, I am not going to stop. This is it. This is my new life. Life is wild and sometimes it throws things at you that you cannot control, but for now, this is the plan forever. If I continue to lose at a rate of 1 pound per week, it will take me 3 more years to lose all the weight. That is okay. It’s not big deal, because this is the way I live. (And it gives me time to plan for loose-skin surgery, LOL!)
I am taking my time, because my time is my life and this is my life. Does that make sense? I scrub pretty good in the shower to stimulate my skin. I moisturize more. I consider things like adding a tablespoon of flaxseed to my bowl, which in the end I don’t even notice, because it’s good for me. I started wearing makeup again. I took a freaking selfie the other day. I mean, I didn’t post it on Insta or anything, because no, but I still took it (so I could see my makeup, but still). I am trying to rest more/better. I’m trying to pursue my interests. What’s 3 years? Hopefully, they will be good years. They will certainly be better than if I hadn’t started this.
My fasts were a bit of a mess. I forgot to track a few times and so I really couldn’t tell you what went on most of the time. Also, why did I repeat Monday? To my knowledge there are not 38 hours in a Monday, even though it feels like there are.
I weighed myself this morning. I was wearing a kind of heavy nightgown. It’s summery, but the material is sort of this heavy jersey material? It had me at 314.6 lbs. (When I took it off, just out of curiosity, I was 314.2, so I guess it isn’t all THAT heavy.)
I shall embrace 314.6 lbs as my current weight. That is 45.4 lbs lost!
I’ve been overeating, though. Only once a week or so, but it has happened 3 or 4 times now, usually in conjunction with going out to eat, but not always. For instance, we had just done our grocery shopping last Friday and we had so much good food in the house that my dinner consisted of portions of a lot of different stuff just because I couldn’t wait to eat some of it. (LOL) Also, I still fix myself portions that are not appropriate for me any longer. Before starting this journey, I did not have a portion problem in that I never met a portion I couldn’t eat. Dessert was a bit large and over the top at the restaurant? Not a problem, I could handle it. My portion sizes in general were large, not necessarily over the top, but throw 3 large portions of something into any meal and it ends up being a lot. I still fix portions for myself along these lines. Not all the time, of course, as I do measure or weigh some things, but when topping a dessert with homemade whipped cream, let’s just say the whipped cream is probably excessive. That sort of thing. I don’t even think it is my appetite that is the problem, it is my laziness. I habitually wanted so much on my plate that I didn’t have to go back for seconds. Unfortunately, I usually eat everything on my plate, frequently leading to being overfull, a feeling I have really come to loathe and which I do occasionally still experience. All of this is to say that I am trying to be more cognizant of my portion sizes.
In addition, I had to let go of my little meal service that I was receiving. It is a budget concern, but also, a few of these meals didn’t get eaten in time and I really resent that I paid $12 for a meal that got thrown out. To help me round out my menu, and let’s not forget that I’m all about LOW EFFORT ™ , I decided to try an experiment with meals.
I love bowls. Both the physical object and the type of meal. I eat a lot of meals out of bowls. We eat on the couch. My food stays in a bowl better than on my plate. I know I’m supposed to eat at a table and take small, measured bites, and chew thoughtfully and all that jazz, but I can’t, okay? I’m LAZY. I’m SLOPPY. I’m not trying to be something I’m not. Why not embrace the concept of bowls, though?
So a couple days ago, I prepped some stuff:
Sauteed spinach and mushrooms (olive oil, salt, pepper, tumeric, excellent for bowls – tumeric is good for you, it’s the only reason I put some in and it tastes good)
Steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots (I included carrots for health reasons and because carrots are in every damn vegetable mix ever made and good god why are there always so many carrots they even creep into my own food?) (no seasoning, this is a neutral item that can go in, on, or beside anything)
Containers of pre-prepped items that can be added into bowls or onto salads (ground flax seed, garbanzo beans, sauteed tofu chunks, raw sunflower seeds, raw pepitos, chopped onions, etc), just sprinkle on as needed or desired or when you feel like adding extra healthy-ness – I literally bought several sets of plastic measuring spoons so I could leave a “serving” sized utensil in each of my pre-prepped containers because I am LAZY AF.)
Several cups of brown rice (easy and ready to roll for bowls, stir-fry, side-item, whatever, no seasoning, cooked in a rice cooker so I can’t screw it up)
Red curry coconut sauce (oh.my.god. this stuff is delicious. recipe below. pour it on. or drink it. It’s that good.)
Here is today’s lunch bowl (it’s vegan, but don’t let that put you off, LOL):
It was good, y’all. Really good. I threw 1/4 cup of brown rice in, a cup of California mix (broccoli/cauli/carrots), a half cup of sauteed spinach & mushrooms, a quarter cup of garbanzo beans, and a liberal dousing of red curry sauce. It clocks in at 300-ish calories and it is worth every last one of those calories. I *wanted* to double the portions, but this was the correct amount in the end, so there you go – a win in the portion column!
This is not a cooking blog or even a health blog, it’s about a (now) 48 year old woman who can’t cook and is super morbidly obese and trying to lose weight. I figure there have to be more of “me” out there and I’m trying to share what is working for me and what I actually think about all of it in case someone else out there wants a friend on their journey or can glean anything from my experience that gives them hope or makes them feel like they are not alone. Literally, everything on this blog is meant to be like a support group for other SMOMAWs (Super Morbidly Obese Middle Aged Women) and the people that care about them. That is all.
So…
I am not a good cook. Know that going in. I can steam a vegetable or assemble a salad, but I can’t cook for shit. I have to use recipes and what I end up with approximates what it is supposed to be, but I always get something wrong, so if I give you a recipe here, just know it’s not the recipe I found, but it IS what I actually did / ate.
Red Curry Coconut Sauce
1 13.5oz can coconut milk (normal, not low fat or anything)
3 TBSP tamari
3 TBSP red curry paste (Thai Kitchen brand)
1 TBSP dark brown sugar (it called for brown sugar, but what’s the difference, really? I will tell you the difference – I had dark brown in my cupboard)
1/2 cup low sodium vegetable broth
lime juice (like 10 shakes of the lime-shaped bottle juice, it’s what I had, okay?)
1 TBSP cornstarch (if you don’t mind a very thin sauce, you can ditch this or replace with flaxseed for some thickening + alleged health benefits)
I saw lots of recipes on the internet for a red curry sauce and I gotta tell you, if the recipe calls for 15 ingredients, I’m out. Aside from the mess those recipes make in my kitchen (I don’t know what I’m doing!), there is zero chance I have fresh cilantro, fresh limes, options on types of sugars, plus all the other stuff, you know what I mean? I just happened to go to the grocery store on Monday so I bought tamari and curry paste at that time. Otherwise, you would not have found stuff like that in my very basic, very normal kitchen. You can bet I will always have tamari and curry paste in my kitchen from now on, though. Good gravy, I could drink this sauce.
Fatulous 