I Decided To Measure

Everyone says you should. I never do when I start a diet, because I have no faith in myself. But I did it this time! I’m going all-in, y’all. Y’all-in?

My actual measuring tape! A health insurance company sent me this some years ago, along with a portion plate. This guy has been so handy, tho! I mostly use it for crafts. Diet schmiet.

Here you go, enjoy these ugly statistics (I am extra so I measured a few oddball items for fun):

Head: 23.5″ (Call me Fathead Everdeen)

Neck: 17″

Upper Arm (at the dangliest bit): 22″ **Note: Part of my upper arm is sort of normal in size, but the uppermost part is like the skin gave out and I have a super giant dangly bit, which I should photograph for you, but I don’t know if I can look at a picture of it TBH. Y’all need to know that if I get below 175lbs, I am absolutely getting my arms done FIRST. I will sell my car to do it; I do not care.

Forearm: 11″

Wrist: 7.25″

Index Finger: 2.75″ (size 12 ring, of which I have a lot. I look forward to needing to resize them.) Also, I am a dork. Shoulda measured my birdy finger – that’s the one that gets the most use.

Boobs: Did not measure. My boobs aren’t where they are supposed to be, and I’m measuring my waist anyway… (j/k, but not entirely) Size 46G right now.

Waist: 48″

Hips: 64″ (These boys are chair busters, I am telling you.)

Thigh: 37″ (Arguably some of the largest thighs around, but that’s true even when I’m not morbidly obese) That gives me about 74″ of combined thigh. Y’all know these babies are going to look like loose harem pants one day.

Calf: 20″

These numbers are as of today. Most of these dimensions would have been larger 6 weeks ago, I know because of the way things fit today.

I like to think of my natural figure as Peasant Build. Sturdy legs, extra energy stored on my thighs (for working the fields), wide hips (for birthin’), small waist (for attaching aprons), big boobs (for attractin’ a mate and feeding babies). I did not make full use of my build and am childless, but that was just bad luck.

That’s all for today!

xo

***Okay, I did my boobs in 2 parts and they fall somewhere between 52″ and 56″. I could have put on a bra, but this is LOW EFFORT ™ fun.

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The 16 Track Tape Reel

I decided to get started on my list of Greatest Hits from the tape that runs continuously in my head. These are the unhealthy and unproductive patterns of thinking that interfere with my happiness and my life.

In no particular order, here are some of the tracks you will find on my tape reel:

  1. You Are Huge & Hideous (brought to you by verbal abuse, some truth, and unwarranted reminders from the general public at large)
  2. Everyone Hates You (brought to you by… low self-esteem, I guess? I do hate the phrase “low self esteem”, btw. I wasn’t born hating myself, I was taught to so it’s not really Self Esteem so much as Beaten Down By Words & Life Esteem.)
  3. No One Could Ever Love You (the B-Side to Everyone Hates You)
  4. You Are Terrible At Everything (brought to you by my father, RIP)
  5. We Are Losers & We Suck (my sister and I have shared this one for decades. Obviously, this was brought to us by some childhood nonsense, hard to pinpoint what exactly)
  6. Don’t Tell Me What To Do! (A very big hit! This one was brought to you by my rebellious nature.)
  7. It’s Not Working, So Quit (Brought to you by a lifetime of giving up on myself.)
  8. Get Thin Now! (Brought to you by my total lack of kindness & understanding for myself about how I got to be so big in the first place and what I need to be doing about it. No, never eating again is not a solution.)

More to come, as I hear them or reminded of them.

Thanks for listening!

xo

PS. I’m not here to talk badly about other people, but truth is truth. I don’t think certain mentioned people were bad people. I think people do the best they can, and sometimes it’s not great. If this weren’t a blog about weight loss, I would go into more detail, but we’re all here to watch me get less fat, so I’m talking about that specifically.

Monday Stats – April 29, 2019

Okay, guys – here is where things ended up for last week:

I am going to go ahead and say that I think I ate into the 3131 unrecorded calories, but I assure you, it was not the full amount. I just feel like I am not any good at counting restaurant calories. And don’t forget, I ate a 300 calorie snack last night that is not reflected here.

I did really well on fasts last week! Only one fell short of my 18 hour goal and most went well over. I did break my SundaytoMonday fast last night, but I’m not going to sweat it too hard. I’m already 12 hours in for today with no plans to eat for at least 2 or 3 hours, so I’ll get 14 hours minimum.

Meanwhile, I did get on the scale this morning. If you do not mind gross details that are honestly way TMI – read on – if you do not care for such details – skip ahead to the next paragraph: I always weigh myself in whatever PJs I am wearing and I always do it after morning pee, but before pooping. Just so you know. I imagine if I stripped down and waited until my morning business was taken care of, I might net a slightly smaller number, but omg seriously, I can’t care about it that much. It’s just a note of interest for those of you keeping score.

Anyhoo – the scale said 336. I lost the TWO STUPID POUNDS I was so worked up over for the past few days.

I am now officially 24 pounds down.

I could dismiss all my whining and fretting as a sort of fat-Julia-weight-loss-drama moment, but I think there was more to it than that, so I will not be throwing out all my concerns just because the 2 pounds did come off. What I think is that all those anxieties are valuable clues. I need to find zen with my plan and as long as I feel all worked up and frazzled, I am not being true to myself. And I think my LoseIt calories are too high. I want to be certain, when I step on the scale on Monday, that I am following what I think is the best plan. So I am officially going to drop my daily calories to the new recommended number of 1837, but I will allow myself to go over it by a little bit if need be, thus my calories are now a “range” of 1837 – 2100 (to be recounted every time the scale moves). Ultimately, success is about showing up every day, so I’ll keep showing up regardless of which calorie count reigns supreme.

For the record, and this is important, y’all – “the best plan” is not the same as the “Get Thin Now” tape that runs in my head. Okay? I don’t want anyone out there getting it twisted with all the craziness that exists inside me regarding what I refer to as MY FATNESS. (OMG, why did I not name myself FATNESS EVERDEEN? This IS the HUNGER GAMES, after all! God, I hate myself for not thinking of this sooner.)

(Side Note: Inside my head is a 16 track tape reel. It runs continuously. Not all the tracks on it are healthy and/or productive. I should make a list of the Greatest Hits on it one day!). Also, I am not certifiable, but I think most of us walk around with little underlying thought patterns that influence our feelings and our actions. I am trying to identify mine as we go along.

Meanwhile, the intermittent fasting really helps put some structure on Not Eating ™ , which I need to do in order to not make myself crazy by analyzing my level of hunger all day or trying to justify eating when I feel like it, so I will keep rocking the fasts. Maybe one day, when I am a grown up, I won’t need a tool like fasting and can fast only when I wish to boost my health, but for now, I’m still Training Wheels On and I need the fasting to give me a buffer zone. Honestly, Not Eating ™ for 16 to 18 hours is such a relief over the madness that generally takes place inside my head surrounding food.

That is how my Monday is starting. How is yours?

xo

I’ve Got A Bad Feeling About The Scale This Week

Yesterday, I was feeling like I am not losing any weight. I hopped on the scale last night and it confirmed that I am not losing any weight this week. I know that there are a lot of reasons why this could be: retaining water, something hormonal, a mini plateau, need to poop, about to have a bit of a “whoosh”, etc. It also could be that I did not accurately count my calories the past few days which is entirely possible. We ate several meals out, hubby and I, and restaurants are hell on calorie counting. My calories stayed firmly under recommended by the app I am using (Lose It) – I try to leave a buffer zone of a few hundred calories, generally 300-600 or so, and I did so this week. But if I miscalculated those meals, I could easily have hit the calories or even gone over, though going over for the week as a whole is unlikely. I suppose I could have been less active than normal, but it’s hard to go from sedentary to extra sedentary and actually, this week I deliberately did things like sweep the garage and driveway, 30 minutes of Easy Yoga For Fat People (made the program myself, lol), so I doubt that is it.

I have had a lowkey feeling of disappointment about it for a day or so and then woke up today feeling defeated. So I stewed for a couple hours. I am working hard at this, people. I log everything, from my water intake to my weight to every bite of food. I’m fasting many hours a day. I’m trying to make decent choices and if it’s not a decent choice, to severely cut the quantity. At my size, it feels like weight should pretty readily fall off. Right?

Then I worried about the calories Lose It says I should shoot for – are they too high as I have long suspected? It has me set to lose 2 pounds per week with calories in the 2100 range and I’m staying well under that, so where are my 2 pounds a week? I have not had a single blow out day. I have gone over by small amounts early on, but not in a while, so WHERE ARE MY 2 POUNDS? I need those 2 pounds to show on the scale, y’all. I need it for morale.

So then I started researching if there are calorie-counting apps that will let me set my caloric goals so I can set them lower and not be called upon to do math a million times a day, but I gave up on that. If you know, please share. I will download a couple more and see if they work, but I do generally like Lose It. I am a teeny bit frustrated that it won’t let me dictate what my calorie goals are. I get that if they did, some folks would set unhealthy goals, but it seems like it would be pretty easy to put limits on the upper and lower ranges. So now, apparently, we can add App Design to my list of skills and abilities, because I sure did put a lot of thought into how these apps could be redesigned…

After the app spaz, my inner tape reel started playing the tape that says, “well, it isn’t working, so quit. why bother?” That is a particularly terrific-sounding tape. It’s like, “Learn This One Trick To Never Be Hungry or Crave Food Again!” That tape has another name: it’s called “Be Fat.” The B-side of it is, “Die Young.”

Where I have landed is that I cannot fully control my body or the scale. I just had my period and it would be fair if my body were not bloated, not hungry, and not subject to hormonal fluctuations, but my body has never been fair. My hormones have been out of whack since forever and it isn’t going to change right now. All I can do is push through it.

Truth is, I am not suffering too badly. I have learned that I do, in fact, boredom eat, comfort eat, and treat-yo-self eat, but I don’t avoid those feelings for long when I eat them, they always come back, and they come back with additional feelings like shame, regret, and self-loathing. So I can at least do away with those last three. In the meantime, I am learning the difference between True Hunger and Other Hunger™, and reaffirming that I need to measure everything, as best I can. I don’t know what that means for meals out with my husband, just yet, but what can I do? Slog through it, is what.

All of this is to say that when Monday morning rolls around and the scale gives me an ugly number, I am going to keep on trooping. I will not be giving in to Feeling Fat. This week, instead of obsessing about the scale (TBH, I am going to obsess about the scale), but I am also going to get me to a grocery store for some more healthy food and keep myself stocked on options. I am going to continue tracking every little thing. I am going to sneak a few more cookies into the trash. And I am going to hang in there like a chubby cat on a skinny limb and pray that motherfoodtrucker doesn’t break on me.

It’s just that when the weight loss goals are in the 200 pound range, 2 pounds a week means dragging this on for years. Zero pounds a week seems positively unbearable. But I have walked around at 5’4″, weighing 360, with back pain and knee pain and foot pain and shame pain for a long, long time. I can tolerate a little disappointment pain.

Also, the neighborhood pool opens next week. I only go late at night, in the last hour before it closes for the day, but it is the one exercise (is floating an exercise?) that I truly love, so you will find me paddling around in the deep end several nights a week very soon. So I have that going for me.

xo

PS. When I put a ™ beside something, it is usually because I just made the thing up on the spot. I suppose I might do it for something someone else made up, as well. I am having fun with it. That’s all.

UPDATE, Two Important Things:

  1. I broke my fast tonight. I ate a 300 calorie sandwich. There are a lot of reasons, but the main is that I was hungry and dispirited (my oldest cat is sick and very much not doing well.) I am technically still under my calories for the day (barely).
  2. I found an app that lets me choose the difficulty (ie. calories) of my diet. For “difficult”, but not the hardest (and not custom, either), it recommends that I consume 1837 calories a day in order to lose 1.5 pounds per week. As I suspected, my calories on LoseIt are too high. The bad news is that I generally do consume 1800 or fewer calories per day and I’m not losing weight. But at least this helps me reset my expectations to 1.5 pounds on the high end. I don’t know if I want to restrict my calories more than this right now. I think if I am too restrictive, I will fail. For now, I’m going to aim for the recommended calories and be happy when I come in under. So there’s that.

Tag, You’re It. No really. You Are It.

I have no one to talk to about this new path in my life. Exactly zero people in my life are morbidly obese. I have one friend, a guy, who is obese. He’s doing things his way, but neither one of us is given to long-winded discussions about our weight. We consider ourselves the chubby ones and are both okay with it, in general. We do both want to lose weight for health reasons, but neither of us walks around with a heavy mantle of shame or anything. I mean, I did. For years. He did, too, but he’s in his 50s and I’m getting there and we both embraced ourselves a long time ago.

Other than him, I’ve never really had a lot of fat friends. I am the fat friend. I never had anything against other fat people, but it’s just how it worked out. Just like almost all of my friends have parents that are still together after all these years and my parents were each married thrice. I also have alcoholics and drug addicts aplenty in my family, a circumstance pretty unique amongst my friends (and always has been). In high school, I was literally the only person I hung out with who had a divorce or a (known) alcoholic in their family. My status as “other” started early in life.

Somehow, I managed to seem fairly well-adjusted all those years. I wasn’t, but I don’t think people knew that.

So, here I am, very seriously embarking on what I hope will result in major weight loss, and I am doing it alone. I definitely cannot talk to vain people about it. That is a deadly recipe for my self-esteem. I can talk to well-meaning normal weight people, but if they haven’t ever been obese, they can’t really know the toll that it takes. No one can possibly understand what it takes to walk around in the world, as a 5’4″ woman, weighing 360 pounds. The indignities of it. The overt hostility that one encounters. The number of people you catch taking videos or pictures, or saying something mean about you to their companion. The emotional legacy that years of obesity carries with it. Or the limitations is places on you. Or living with the knowledge that it is your own fault. We know, people. Ultimately, we do know.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I am trying to explain how alone it feels, that is all. So many people have told me to go to the gym over the years. Some well intentioned friends even bought me a few sessions with a personal trainer once. I went, out of duty. The trainer was nice and it worked pretty well, but anyone overweight knows that food is the real problem, not exercise. Once the sessions were up, and I couldn’t afford it on my own, that was the end of that. But even in that cozy little set-up, I had to endure comments and whispers from other people in the gym. It was not a place I was going to go without the protection of a cute little personal trainer at my side. And I hadn’t yet accepted that I was going to have to care about myself to really lose weight. Or, more simply, I still didn’t care enough about myself.

The only thing that has made me care about myself enough now is that I am getting older and I know if I don’t care about myself, no one else is going to do it for me. No one is going to help me with this, because no one can. You can’t make an alcoholic stop drinking if they don’t want to and you can’t make a fat person give up unhealthy eating if they don’t want to. Probably, the only thing you can really do for them is get them therapy, and not for the food, but for their mental health.

I generally credit my weight to self-loathing, hedonism, and habit. I don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg, but I do know it was complicated by PCOS & insulin resistance. Everything since has been, frankly, inevitable. I am lucky to have made it this far without more health crises, though I have had plenty, none are irreversible yet.

Anyhoo, I am occasionally going to get a little kooky on here, because this is what I have as my outlet. This is where I will mourn my bad days, celebrate my good days, talk through my thoughts, and hold myself accountable.

There is just one little issue. How do I get okay with putting my face on it? It’s the internet. Everything is forever.

IDK. To be continued, I guess.

xo


Calendar of Doom

This freaking thing right here:

I gave this page a lil face lift and then added a calendar widget. I was looking at my other posts this month and noticed something. If you are a woman, you’ll get it. If you are a man, I mean, you can read this, but I’m not sure you can relate.

Anyhoo, on the 13th, I had a bad, sad, day of feeling hopeless. On the 15th, I was bloated and wondering if my period might happen. On the 18th, I had cramps. On the 20th, I was back to myself, although, me + Aunt Flo, so Extra Me.

So, yeah, PMS is a thing. Someone remind me around the 13th of May, will you? When I’m feeling gloomy and hopelessly fat4life.

That totally should be my next tattoo, btw. Like, fat4life with a cupcake or something. I’m not being mean to myself here, I’m saying, No Regerts ™. Even if I end up skinny, I think I need that tattoo. My soul will always be fat.

xo

Example Food

Y’all might wonder what kind of food I’m eating, so I took a picture of my lunch.

Chicken Caesar Wrap

I’m still lazy as hell, so most of my food is extremely low effort.

This is:

  • 1.5 low carb low fat wrap (not bad, really!)
  • 3.6 oz of chicken (actually weighed)
  • Romaine lettuce (who knows?)
  • Parmesan cheese, grated (about a tablespoon, not measured)
  • Caesar salad dressing (about a tablespoon, not measured)

I figure the calories on this to be about 280 to 300. And I have to eat it like a taco, obviously, because there is no “wrapping” this much crap.

I do try to measure most “bomb” ingredients (those items that have more calories than you can easily see and/or are very easy to miscalculate), like dressings and cheeses, but for this go ’round, I was pretty conservative in my use and very lazy in my approach. I don’t like a lot of dressing, ever, so at least in that arena, I am already good.

Also, I’m so lazy, I just buy pre-made caesar salads and pre-sliced chicken, so really all I have to do is plop one on the other and voila.

I am going to follow this sandwich up with some watermelon chunks and then, later, a coffee with sugar and cream.

Living large, over here!

xo

PS. In case you wondered, I can either eat a raspberry whip egg for 110 calories, or ~6 ounces of watermelon for 54 calories. I’m not saying I won’t eat this raspberry egg today, I’m just saying I’m eating watermelon right now. 😉