Yesterday, I was feeling like I am not losing any weight. I hopped on the scale last night and it confirmed that I am not losing any weight this week. I know that there are a lot of reasons why this could be: retaining water, something hormonal, a mini plateau, need to poop, about to have a bit of a “whoosh”, etc. It also could be that I did not accurately count my calories the past few days which is entirely possible. We ate several meals out, hubby and I, and restaurants are hell on calorie counting. My calories stayed firmly under recommended by the app I am using (Lose It) – I try to leave a buffer zone of a few hundred calories, generally 300-600 or so, and I did so this week. But if I miscalculated those meals, I could easily have hit the calories or even gone over, though going over for the week as a whole is unlikely. I suppose I could have been less active than normal, but it’s hard to go from sedentary to extra sedentary and actually, this week I deliberately did things like sweep the garage and driveway, 30 minutes of Easy Yoga For Fat People (made the program myself, lol), so I doubt that is it.
I have had a lowkey feeling of disappointment about it for a day or so and then woke up today feeling defeated. So I stewed for a couple hours. I am working hard at this, people. I log everything, from my water intake to my weight to every bite of food. I’m fasting many hours a day. I’m trying to make decent choices and if it’s not a decent choice, to severely cut the quantity. At my size, it feels like weight should pretty readily fall off. Right?
Then I worried about the calories Lose It says I should shoot for – are they too high as I have long suspected? It has me set to lose 2 pounds per week with calories in the 2100 range and I’m staying well under that, so where are my 2 pounds a week? I have not had a single blow out day. I have gone over by small amounts early on, but not in a while, so WHERE ARE MY 2 POUNDS? I need those 2 pounds to show on the scale, y’all. I need it for morale.
So then I started researching if there are calorie-counting apps that will let me set my caloric goals so I can set them lower and not be called upon to do math a million times a day, but I gave up on that. If you know, please share. I will download a couple more and see if they work, but I do generally like Lose It. I am a teeny bit frustrated that it won’t let me dictate what my calorie goals are. I get that if they did, some folks would set unhealthy goals, but it seems like it would be pretty easy to put limits on the upper and lower ranges. So now, apparently, we can add App Design to my list of skills and abilities, because I sure did put a lot of thought into how these apps could be redesigned…
After the app spaz, my inner tape reel started playing the tape that says, “well, it isn’t working, so quit. why bother?” That is a particularly terrific-sounding tape. It’s like, “Learn This One Trick To Never Be Hungry or Crave Food Again!” That tape has another name: it’s called “Be Fat.” The B-side of it is, “Die Young.”
Where I have landed is that I cannot fully control my body or the scale. I just had my period and it would be fair if my body were not bloated, not hungry, and not subject to hormonal fluctuations, but my body has never been fair. My hormones have been out of whack since forever and it isn’t going to change right now. All I can do is push through it.
Truth is, I am not suffering too badly. I have learned that I do, in fact, boredom eat, comfort eat, and treat-yo-self eat, but I don’t avoid those feelings for long when I eat them, they always come back, and they come back with additional feelings like shame, regret, and self-loathing. So I can at least do away with those last three. In the meantime, I am learning the difference between True Hunger and Other Hunger™, and reaffirming that I need to measure everything, as best I can. I don’t know what that means for meals out with my husband, just yet, but what can I do? Slog through it, is what.
All of this is to say that when Monday morning rolls around and the scale gives me an ugly number, I am going to keep on trooping. I will not be giving in to Feeling Fat. This week, instead of obsessing about the scale (TBH, I am going to obsess about the scale), but I am also going to get me to a grocery store for some more healthy food and keep myself stocked on options. I am going to continue tracking every little thing. I am going to sneak a few more cookies into the trash. And I am going to hang in there like a chubby cat on a skinny limb and pray that motherfoodtrucker doesn’t break on me.
It’s just that when the weight loss goals are in the 200 pound range, 2 pounds a week means dragging this on for years. Zero pounds a week seems positively unbearable. But I have walked around at 5’4″, weighing 360, with back pain and knee pain and foot pain and shame pain for a long, long time. I can tolerate a little disappointment pain.
Also, the neighborhood pool opens next week. I only go late at night, in the last hour before it closes for the day, but it is the one exercise (is floating an exercise?) that I truly love, so you will find me paddling around in the deep end several nights a week very soon. So I have that going for me.
PS. When I put a ™ beside something, it is usually because I just made the thing up on the spot. I suppose I might do it for something someone else made up, as well. I am having fun with it. That’s all.
UPDATE, Two Important Things:
- I broke my fast tonight. I ate a 300 calorie sandwich. There are a lot of reasons, but the main is that I was hungry and dispirited (my oldest cat is sick and very much not doing well.) I am technically still under my calories for the day (barely).
- I found an app that lets me choose the difficulty (ie. calories) of my diet. For “difficult”, but not the hardest (and not custom, either), it recommends that I consume 1837 calories a day in order to lose 1.5 pounds per week. As I suspected, my calories on LoseIt are too high. The bad news is that I generally do consume 1800 or fewer calories per day and I’m not losing weight. But at least this helps me reset my expectations to 1.5 pounds on the high end. I don’t know if I want to restrict my calories more than this right now. I think if I am too restrictive, I will fail. For now, I’m going to aim for the recommended calories and be happy when I come in under. So there’s that.