You Know What Pisses Me Off?

Weight loss bloggers with a picture of themselves and a giant cupcake display.

Y’all.

I don’t care if those cupcakes are made from zucchini, air, and caulk, you can’t lose weight eating them. I mean, you can eat one. Or maybe replace a meal with one or two. But there’s no way your weight loss diet will consist of a steady stream of cupcakes. If your diet does consist of a steady stream of cupcakes, you are likely malnourished and should get thee to a doctor.

The sooner we all accept that, the better. (By “we all”, I mean ME.)

We all know why they do the cupcake thing. Cupcakes are pretty. They look tasty. They attract visitors, likes flies on frosting poop. But it is such a lie. And let’s say you made yourself some cupcakes of Splenda cake with whipped skim milk frosting and fresh berries… they taste like crap. Why bother? You know how I like my strawberries? Soaked in simple syrup. Hit me with some moist cake and proper buttercream, please. Just only do it once a month or something, because this weight loss thing is serious.

I don’t want to poop on your party, but FOR ME, and I can only talk about my own thoughts here, if someone is trying to sell you a weight loss lifestyle that emphasizes all the naughty foods you can eat, I would suggest that it is a bad idea. I’ve only lost 22, wait…24?, pounds of what needs to be around 200 pounds lost, but I don’t see any path forward that incorporates all my former favorite foods as routine parts of my diet. And that was always the problem, right? I had these things as routine parts of my diet without awareness of the calorie bombs that they actually are. I did not realize how much math and how much gerrymandering of my food was required in order to eat said favorite naughty foods.

I don’t want you to get the idea that I think I am never allowed treats. I can and do and absolutely will! But if you ever see me on this blog standing behind a cupcake display, I better damn have some disclaimers or some tongue-in-cheek stuff going on, because we all know it ain’t right. There are a LOT of ways to Treat-Yo-Self ™ . My go-to has always been food. Okay, maybe some other stuff, but that is for a different blog. But mostly food. Don’t feel like cooking and super tired? Treat myself to delivery pizza. At the store and the cakes look good? Guess what? It’s someone’s birthday somewhere and we’re getting that little birthday cake. Happy Birthday To You, Stranger Somewhere In The World!

It has taken, what, six weeks of serious dieting to grasp this concept, but treat foods have to go into a box that is only opened on occasion. And I don’t mean, It’s Tuesday! or every other day or all the time. Occasionally. I am starting to wonder what the hell I have been thinking all these years? Like, really. What was going through my head?

By the same token, if you see me on this blog standing behind a display of lettuce, well, all I can say is someone paid me. I do like lettuce (butter lettuce, yum, I probably just like it because the name). But I don’t even eat lettuce every day, so that would make me one helluva hypocrite. Which is cool. If you are a butter lettuce producer and you want to pay me to roll around in some and take a picture, okie doke. But like, what are the odds of that? Pretty slim. Like I plan to be.

Let’s explore that later!

xo

PS. Holy crap, I need to make myself a lettuce cupcake. I’m doing that. Watch me.

PSS. Seriously thinking about finding a tattoo artist to design my “fat4life” tattoo. It absolutely will feature a cupcake.

PSSS. So, like, I have a long history with cupcakes. Back in the early ’90s, before cupcake shops were a thing – before the whole cupcake culture (and it’s donut culture, bundt cake culture, and other dessert culture spin-offs sprouted), I used to make cupcakes. I had frosting decorating tips and food colors and all that jazz. When I met my husband (early 2000’s) cupcake culture was in full swing and I told him I was “cupcake before cupcake was cool.” He wanted to make me a t-shirt. So that’s howcome cupcakes are a thing for me.

***DISCLAIMER: No matter how many times I use the word “we” or “you” or “y’all”, I am talking about ME. This is how I talk. Feel free to disagree and to proudly proclaim “not me, crazypants.” That is absolutely FINE. I get that there is room for everyone to have thoughts and opinions and different or better knowledge than me.

UPDATE, A COUPLE HOURS LATER:

I made you a cupcake. Lettuce, ranch, tomato. Do not eat this. That is almost pure sour cream. LOL
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